CHECKING IN WITH MYSELF

Photo taken by Mike Hu on a rainy day hike

It's been over a month since I left the corporate grind. Both my heart and my mind have been stretched beyond my wildest imagination. I'm learning that I will have down days as frequently as up days, but I'm trying to maintain a forward mentality because looking back is not a choice I wish to have. I'm taking a moment today to reflect on what I've learned about myself and the people around me in the past few weeks. Even if just one thing resonates with you, I hope that it strengthens your resolve to face whatever unfinished dreams, doubts, or recurring struggles you have inside. Just remember, you are stronger and more resilient than you think you are (it's what makes us human). And if making the hard choices were always easy, then everyone would do it and the world as we know it would be such a different place.

My whole life, I made a lot of assumptions about my parents and how I thought they wanted me to be. It wasn't until this past Saturday, when we had a heart-to-heart talk, that I realized they just want me to be happy. My dad asked me, "have I ever put pressure on you to do anything you didn't want to do?" I thought about this question for a few seconds and realized the answer was "no..." Growing up and hearing about my parents' struggles and how they worked incredibly hard to get educated made me feel a deep sense of responsibility at a very young age to make them proud. By doing so, I created a lot of pressure on myself. I was convinced that 'making them proud' meant a series of things: get good grades in school, get into honor programs, get into a top university, study really really hard, get a good job at a prestigious company, and make lots of money. And in reality, this was the life I planned to have for myself. I thought I was set and that it would bring me immense happiness.

4 years of Corporate America later, the pain in my gut grew more vivid from the internal competitions, self-righteous mentalities, being a slave to systems, focus on promotions vs. self-growth, and feeling overworked yet undervalued... these are not principles I want to live by. Yet, I'm thankful for the last 4 years because the money I've saved and the skills I've gained gives me luxury to be where I am today. I'm blessed to have such amazing, understanding, and supportive parents who also value the importance of finding genuine happiness. And at the end of the day, money is just money. I'll do my darndest to create a profitable business one day and I'll do it without sacrificing my character.

When I met Mike, it didn't take much time for me to grow fond of him - there was something very attractive about the way he thinks and works. For me, that was the basis of my attraction, which obviously only grew more intense over time. I spent months 'chasing' after him (though Mike might agree to disagree with that statement). And unbeknownst to me at the time, Mike was more of an enigma than I could ever imagine. I can't quite explain how we did it, but the years of distance were not easy. And instead of deteriorating, our relationship grew stronger year by year. People are often surprised to hear that we've dated long distance for almost 7 years. Yet to us, it's a comfort of knowing that we faced the often deepest fear in love - trust. Once we stopped comparing our relationship to others, we spent more time focusing on ourselves and our definition of 'normal'. We worked on our communication without having to sacrifice who we are and remained open to change. This is something we will never stop doing. There's so many exciting things we're looking forward to experiencing together. We can't wait to take the world by storm - watch out 2015!

And in case you were wondering, most of the photos in this post were taken by Mike. I'm learning these days that he's quite the artist. :)

The reason I wish to be a wedding planner is simple. I want to help couples realize that the importance of planning a wedding is not so much about the party itself, but rather it's the first step towards their marriage. And through it all, I hope to put my technical, creative, and coaching skills to the test. The thought of doing this makes my heart feel full.

When you find your passion, hold onto it and persist. Do it for you. Do it because it makes you happy. Do it because your heart yearns for it and not because you expect outside praise or affirmations. This is how you fall into the trap of relying on external factors for your own happiness... and by then, you'll have already failed.

My dad recently shared a story with me about our family lineage. Before my grandfather's generation, every Yuan was a successful business owner, from factories to banks to vineyards even. My grandfather didn't start his own business though. He was the first one in his family to be educated. My dad didn't start his own business either. He was the first one in his family to go to college. It seems that higher education fills one with much knowledge yet instills much fear: "this is too risky", "this will never work", "that won't make you much money". At a young age, we are taught that higher numbers equal intelligence, success, and happiness. We are taught that in order to succeed, we have to get A's in all our classes to guarantee a 4.0 GPA. Whether someone cheats to get an A is besides the point (especially if they don't get caught) because success is about the end result. We can't fail. We can't be wrong. We have to know for sure that it will work. And thus we fear what we don't understand, we fear what we can't control, and we avoid taking risks (not even the educated kind).

In the past few weeks, I've questioned myself time and time again. I'm learning to categorize my fears between the emotional vs. the logical. And instead of being paralyzed by the unknown, I'm learning to use my logical fears as foresight for what I need to research on or prepare for. As for my emotional fears, these are the hardest ones to face - they are driven by my past failures and inadequacies. The hardest and best choice I could ever make is to leave my past in the past, so that I can without barrier create new opportunities for my future.

I've learned that people have different energies and when you make a conscious effort to surround yourself with positive energies, you will find that it's easy to love and believe in yourself (even without all that make-up and fancy clothes). It's as easy as that.

When I envision my future and the life lessons I want to instill in my kids one day, I surprisingly become more motivated to keep going. Suddenly, it's so clear to me why I even want to have kids one day. It's not just because I want a family of my own or that it's just the natural progression of life, but rather I want to pass on my knowledge and inspire to create greatness in this world. To live by example, that's what I want to teach my kids.